I’ve always struggled with understanding my purpose in life. For a very long time I felt without meaning until I met Jesus. The questions I had about life soon began to have answers and the big question of “What do I do with my life?” became clearer. Over the few years that I’ve been walking with Jesus, I have grown to love things that honestly, I didn’t care to much about before Him. When I began to understand the Christian faith and how it would change every area of my life, the word “Calling” was mentioned a lot. That word was just as confusing as the word “purpose”. If I don’t know what I’m called to do in life than what am I doing with my life? (my inner voice constantly asking this question) I still ask myself this question sometimes when I’m filled with doubt. But over the years I’ve learned that as believer I have one call, to love God with all my heart, soul and mind, to serve him for all my days and to tell others the good news of Jesus. However, God gives us gifts and affections for things that lead us to either invest our time in or he uses them for different seasons in our life.
I can’t recall the day I knew I wanted to work and serve young girls. I think that desire and vision grew over time. It grew from my own experiences as a young girl but also from interreacting with younger women. I’d like to say that God has allowed me to speak into the lives of women of whom some I’ve known for a season, others I’ve known for a while and some I just met for a moment. Each one of them were always drawn to me and every time I had a moment with them I felt so much joy. I enjoy hearing women share their stories and encouraging them. I enjoy it enough that it inspires me and makes me feel like finally I found my “calling”.
I have two things that inspire me, my job and my son Calvin. This week I shared with someone why I’m not a stay at home mom, trust me I’ve thought about it. I went part time at work last year after having Calvin and I tried to budget however I could to be able to stay at home. But I didn’t feel that God wanted that for me in this season, he wanted me for something more. I didn’t desire enough to stay home; when I did desire too it came from fear. Fear of someone else caring for Calvin. Financially we also would have not been able to sustain our family and I missed being at work. Sometimes I wonder if maybe God has been keeping me from staying home in order to keep me from making my son an idol or perhaps its only to prepare me for what he has for me in the future. I will never know, but I do acknowledge that he has given me a heart for youth and women. I desire to help them grow, teach them and love them through every experience of life they go through. Most importantly I want them to know about God, the God that saved me of my own self.
It’s been hard finding a balance between being a mom and my calling. I spend a lot of time at a high school working with youth and often that can be overwhelming. I find myself a lot of times being too exhausted to even have the energy to play with Calvin. Weeks like these really make me ask God whether it’s worth being away from my him. But then I have weeks that are amazing, and I have a break through with a student or they ask me a question about God, that’s when I remember why I want to do this, whether it’s for a season or a life time. As a mom I fear that ministry would keep me away from Calvin and that he would resent me for it. Our family is all about ministry, (I did marry the guy that wants to be a Pastor. Ha!)
My hope is to invite Calvin into what I love to do, and I have. I bring him Around my students, I’ve brought him to the times I’ve led devotionals for young girls and the girls I invest in get to spend time with him. That’s where I think I find balance, when both of the things that inspire me collide. I have the oppurtunity to disciple young people and also the responsibility to care for my son and his soul. Both equally important but I don’t believe I should neglect my responsibilities with my son and family over my calling. They are my first ministry, what good would it be to spend all my time working with youth and helping them grow, if my home is not growing?
I pray that my time away from Calvin isn’t in vain, I hope that this season would be a time of growth for myself as a mom and a follower of Jesus. Nothing about your calling is easy, it’s sacrificial and takes time that often we don’t want to give up. Trust me, I would often much rather be with Calvin than at work, but this is the season God has called me too. I want to be able to use everything I do to honor him and to encourage others, it’s one of the reasons I started blogging. This season has brought me so much joy but also hard circumstance, praise God that he is faithful enough to walk us through them.
My encouragement to you, whatever season God has called you too right now embrace it. You are in it for a reason, it serves a purpose whether you see it or not. Nothing about your calling right now should make you feel like you should be doing more. It’s about what are you doing with where you are right now? If you’re a stay at home mom, you are doing something impactful and investing in your home and children. If you’re a working mom, you’re providing for your family while managing to serve and love them. If you’re a blogger, use your platform to honor God and allow your voice to be heard by others. Whatever you’re doing right now, is exactly what you should be doing.