During Mother’s Day weekend I wrestled with getting ready to go to my mother’s day brunch that my husband had planned for me. I spent two hours going back and forth between my room and closet, and two additional hours trying on clothes in front of the mirror and taking them right off. I could feel my mood beginning to change.
What about my body was affecting the way I was feeling? Why was I letting some baby weight get in the way of a day meant to celebrate me? I was becoming easily irritated, emotionally overwhelmed and the more I changed the more sensitive I became. My husband kept coming into the room wondering what was taking me so long. I don’t remember if he said anything but every time he made a remark about my outfit I felt as though it was negative- and that was enough to set me off and cause me to change.
On top of feeling insecure with my own thoughts, my mother came to visit and I nervously anticipated an insensitive remark from her about my body. She’d probably wonder if I’ve been wearing the underwear she gave me after I gave birth to keep my stomach from bloating or maybe I’ve lost myself in the transition to being a mother.
What I was staring at in the mirror were the extra layers around my body that didn’t disappear after giving birth. My face looked more tired than ever, and my breasts are not what they used to be. For some reason, I felt more comfortable in my pregnancy body because I could hide behind the baby belly.
Like who would dare shame a pregnant woman? I could wear whatever I wanted and still feel beautiful. I could walk with confidence because life was growing in me and that ” glow ” that I had because “ I was having a boy” (according to “baby experts”) brought me more attention and compliments then the natural face I tend to wear. Of course I would feel more beautiful in that skin then the one I’m in now!
The skin I’m in today is unfamiliar, unwanted and unpretty. The clothes that once fit me feel strange to my body,- did they ever really fit? I can’t remember, I have forgotten what it feels like to wear anything that is fit for me.
As I wrestled with these thoughts, I was reminded of a few words I shared before about my postpartum body. “Nothing about my body is the same and it’s even more beautiful,” these are the words I’ve been lacking in speaking over my thoughts and heart every time I lose it in front of a mirror. Those are my words, the ones that remind me of the changes my life has experienced and the beauty I hold before me, not only in my son but in the new me. The mother in me.
Has someone told you that you look beautiful lately? If they haven’t, I want to remind you that yes, nothing about your Postpartum body is familiar to you- and it’s even more beautiful now than ever before. Whether you’ve gained weight or lost weight, we’re so inclined to pay attention to the parts of us that we long to have again that we lose sight of the beauty before us. God says you are beautiful before his sight, no matter what sight you see before you. I hope that on days that we feel like crap; when our pants can’t seem to fit, and we feel unattractive that we would remember that we have not lost ourselves by being mothers. We’ve gained so much more than just weight, we’ve gained LIFE.
Thanks, @true&co for reminding me of my own words and building a community for women to embrace their bodies. This company has wonderful undergarments that I own like three of their bras.