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Womanhood

    Motherhood, Womanhood

    Feeling Unpretty

    Feeling Unpretty?

    During Mother’s Day weekend I wrestled with getting ready to go to my mother’s day brunch that my husband had planned for me. I spent two hours going back and forth between my room and closet, and two additional hours trying on clothes in front of the mirror and taking them right off. I could feel my mood beginning to change.

    What about my body was affecting the way I was feeling? Why was I letting some baby weight get in the way of a day meant to celebrate me? I was becoming easily irritated, emotionally overwhelmed and the more I changed the more sensitive I became. My husband kept coming into the room wondering what was taking me so long. I don’t remember if he said anything but every time he made a remark about my outfit I felt as though it was negative- and that was enough to set me off and cause me to change.

    On top of feeling insecure with my own thoughts, my mother came to visit and I nervously anticipated an insensitive remark from her about my body. She’d probably wonder if I’ve been wearing the underwear she gave me after I gave birth to keep my stomach from bloating or maybe I’ve lost myself in the transition to being a mother.

    What I was staring at in the mirror were extra layers around my body that didn’t disappear after giving birth. My face looked more tired than ever, and my breasts are not what they used to be. For some reason, I felt more comfortable in my pregnancy body because I could hide behind the baby belly.

    Like who would dare shame a pregnant woman? I could wear whatever I wanted and still feel beautiful. I could walk with confidence because life was growing in me and that ” glow ” that I had because “ I was having a boy” (according to “baby experts”) brought me more attention and compliments then the natural face I tend to wear. Of course, I would feel more beautiful in that skin then the one I’m in now!

    The skin I’m in today is unfamiliar, unwanted, and unpretty. The clothes that once fit me feel strange to my body,- did they ever really fit? I can’t remember, I have forgotten what it feels like to wear anything that is fit for me.

    As I wrestled with these thoughts, I was reminded of a few words I shared before about my postpartum body. “Nothing about my body is the same and it’s even more beautiful,” these are the words I’ve been lacking in speaking over my thoughts and heart every time I lose it in front of a mirror. Those are my words, the ones that remind me of the changes my life has experienced, and the beauty I hold before me, not only in my son but in the new me. The mother in me.

    Has someone told you that you look beautiful lately? If they haven’t, I want to remind you that yes, nothing about your Postpartum body is familiar to you- and it’s even more beautiful now than ever before. Whether you’ve gained weight or lost weight, we’re so inclined to pay attention to the parts of us that we long to have again that we lose sight of the beauty before us. God says you are beautiful before his sight, no matter what sight you see before you. I hope that on days that we feel like crap; when our pants can’t seem to fit, and we feel unattractive that we would remember that we have not lost ourselves by being mothers. We’ve gained so much more than just weight, we’ve gained LIFE.

    Thanks, @true&co for reminding me of my own words and building a community for women to embrace their bodies. This company has wonderful undergarments that I own like three of their bras. 

    Remembering Truth, Womanhood

    A Life of Joy

    IMG_9055 Well, I made it to twenty-eight.

       It’s been such a wonderful and hard year. Last Sunday, my pastor spoke about what it means to have joy as a Christian and how very often we can struggle to be Christians that seek joy in dry and suffering seasons. Do you have a hard time seeing God’s goodness during those times? I know I do.

        At the end of his sermon, he challenged us to write down ways God has blessed us, which prayers He’s answered and how has He brought us out of the whatever pit we were in. God has so willingly loved and out poured his mercy over my life. How can a God so big spend His time thinking of me? How is it that in times of suffering I turn away from Him and He seeks me out? God doesn’t owe us anything. He chose to give us things we don’t deserve out of mercy and love.

    So for this 28th year of life, I want to remember all the ways that he has been faithful despite the struggles. I challenge you to do the same. Sometimes it’s so easy to forget God’s faithfulness when you don’t get our way or when a storm hits us.

    • His mercy and love in saving me.
    • Providing me with a husband that sharpens me and sacrifices for our family.
    • Giving me the ability to have a life.
    • Healing Calvin and growing him beautifully.
    • Helping me through my anxiety and growing back my hair.
    • Making a way for me to attend grad school again.
    • Providing people in my life to care and love my family.
    • Putting me in uncomfortable positions.
    • Listening to my prayer about work and giving me the title I’ve wanted for so long.
    • Making a way for us to get the apartment we’ve been looking at for the last three years.
    • Allowing me to encourage mothers through my blog.
    • Opening opportunities to work with brands.
    • Giving me a side job to make extra money.
    • Giving Ruben commission opportunities through his art.
    • Providing Calvin to attend an affordable daycare and very close to home. ( Across the street)
    • Drawing my younger brother from my dad’s side to become closer to us and accept Jesus. hallelujah!
    • Giving me the time to invest in youth and see Him transform their lives.
    • Being able to be financially well despite our struggles.
    • Giving me strength when I have none during motherhood.
    • For a successful first semester in Grad School.
    • For new friends.

     

    I am beyond grateful for these blessings and answered prayers, I hope to remember them in this new year of life. What are some prayers you’ve seen God work in your life? Write them down, praise Him, and remember them when you feel nothing to be joyful about.

    love, 

    Transparent city mama